Fondling The Alternative
Valentine Purists like me are a dying breed. There are so few of us left that I don't even know another Purist in close proximity to me. There aren't even enough of us to form a local support group. We are the hardliners who like the holiday just fine but we believe it should be reserved only for lovers and significant others. We are slowly being outbred (new word?) by the Valentine Inclusionists and the growing numbers of those who hate the holiday altogether, the Valentine Venomists. The Inclusionists are those that believe the holiday is for everyone. The Venomists just want the day to die.
I have learned the lessons of history well enough to know that no matter how staunchly I hold out for Valentine purity I am likely to remain on the losing team. Therefore I propose a treaty with the Inclusionists. You can have your Valentines Day for everyone. Valentine it up! Spend! Share! Shower! Have a good time with yourselves. We will shut up and look the other way. I propose that in exchange for a cessation of our resistance you allow the Purists to have another day and then leave it the hell alone! Keep Valentines Day but let us have another one that is ONLY for the lovers, sweethearts, and spouses. Do your thing on your day and let us do ours on our day.
As for the Venomists, I think you deserve a day too. Pick yourselves a holiday to celebrate and promote your singleness and then demand that the rest of us leave it the hell alone! It won't make Valentines Day or the proposed alternative go away but at least you could have a day of counterbalance. I know there are way more of you out there than there are Purists! Unite! The greeting card companies will back you, I swear. Invent a new holiday and they will invent a way for folks to spend money on it, guaranteed! You could put an R & D team on this and leak just the tiniest bit to the general public and before you know it the card/candy/jewelry/stuffed animal conglomerates will come to you. All you really have to do is pick a day. And a name.
Of course, the only way the Purists are going get a holiday that the Inclusionists won't pervert is to make it sound like something you don't want to share with your nieces, nephews, or Sunday School class. We need to call it something that separates it distinctly from just "Love" and makes it specific to yonder or the intention/hope of going yonder. Otherwise we will have people including their mothers and aunts and BFFs and on and on and on until it becomes just a second Valentines Day. What do you say Purists? Are you out there? Am I reaching you? Don't our lovers deserve a day of their own? Aren't the people who see us naked entitled to a holiday they don't have to share with your sister's kids?
We are smart people. We know that nookie is better than candy. Even if we aren't aspiring to nookie in our relationships yet we are capable and willing to separate and elevate romance and intimacy for one day all its own, aren't we? Let them have Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, and even Valentines Day if that's what they need. Let us declare a day with connotations so passionate they would consider it vulgar and distasteful to extend it to their daughters' gymnastics class. What do you say Purists? Help me think of a name? Venomists? We welcome your input too! The suggestion box is open.
(c) 2012, ACG
I have learned the lessons of history well enough to know that no matter how staunchly I hold out for Valentine purity I am likely to remain on the losing team. Therefore I propose a treaty with the Inclusionists. You can have your Valentines Day for everyone. Valentine it up! Spend! Share! Shower! Have a good time with yourselves. We will shut up and look the other way. I propose that in exchange for a cessation of our resistance you allow the Purists to have another day and then leave it the hell alone! Keep Valentines Day but let us have another one that is ONLY for the lovers, sweethearts, and spouses. Do your thing on your day and let us do ours on our day.
As for the Venomists, I think you deserve a day too. Pick yourselves a holiday to celebrate and promote your singleness and then demand that the rest of us leave it the hell alone! It won't make Valentines Day or the proposed alternative go away but at least you could have a day of counterbalance. I know there are way more of you out there than there are Purists! Unite! The greeting card companies will back you, I swear. Invent a new holiday and they will invent a way for folks to spend money on it, guaranteed! You could put an R & D team on this and leak just the tiniest bit to the general public and before you know it the card/candy/jewelry/stuffed animal conglomerates will come to you. All you really have to do is pick a day. And a name.
Of course, the only way the Purists are going get a holiday that the Inclusionists won't pervert is to make it sound like something you don't want to share with your nieces, nephews, or Sunday School class. We need to call it something that separates it distinctly from just "Love" and makes it specific to yonder or the intention/hope of going yonder. Otherwise we will have people including their mothers and aunts and BFFs and on and on and on until it becomes just a second Valentines Day. What do you say Purists? Are you out there? Am I reaching you? Don't our lovers deserve a day of their own? Aren't the people who see us naked entitled to a holiday they don't have to share with your sister's kids?
We are smart people. We know that nookie is better than candy. Even if we aren't aspiring to nookie in our relationships yet we are capable and willing to separate and elevate romance and intimacy for one day all its own, aren't we? Let them have Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Thanksgiving, and even Valentines Day if that's what they need. Let us declare a day with connotations so passionate they would consider it vulgar and distasteful to extend it to their daughters' gymnastics class. What do you say Purists? Help me think of a name? Venomists? We welcome your input too! The suggestion box is open.
(c) 2012, ACG
*chuckle* Oh, Sassy. So many things I could say, and such a small box. I guess I'll have to settle for... good luck!
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I was thinking about you and your demographic as I wrote. But you knew this.
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Yes, yes I did. *wink* And I hope you're successful -- maybe then I'll get a break from the ridiculous diamond commercials for a while.
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How 'bout an International World Wide Yonder Day celebration!
(actually...the day After Yonder day should be a holiday/vacation day, too)
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